Small Christmas, big questions

Christmas makes the world seem small. And not in that, "it's a small world after all" kind of fun, dancing kids in a Disneyland ride sort of way. Just small in that, "is this really all there is?" sort of way that plagues one's middle to late 20s.

I grew up feeling like I was invincible, or at least that I was lucky. It never occured to me to think the dreams I had or things I wanted would ever not happen. That sounds bratty and self-centered, and yet, I think it was, more than anything, naive. Just pure, unbridled naivete. Is it weird that I miss that feeling?

The older I get, the smaller my world seems. Big dreams seem less accessible. Practical realities are what take up space in my head (my mortgage, the rising cost of gas, what to make for supper). I used to know for sure that I would be a published author, or would become a lawyer, or would get married and have a family, or would do something else that is completely fabulous in a completely fabulous way. Now, I don't stop to think about those things very often. I'm not conquering the world anymore.

Christmas, the going home and taking on the role of "kid" again, just highlights how different my viewpoint is these days. The traditions that were once magical, now seem forced or somehow hollow. I still appreciate them, and yet, they don't seem essential like they used to. It means coming face to face with past rivals, and old loves, and an old version of myself that makes me a bit squirmy. And not because of embarrassing hairdos or crimes of fashion committed and pasted all over my father's house. But because that version is still who I am, buried deep inside. I've just covered her up with the day to day, must keep my head above water, can't stop to think about dreams while I'm trying to leave work by 7:00 p.m., persona.

Do we have to shrink our world in order to survive? I have a bunch of cheesy "hold fast to dreams for if dreams die. . ." poetry running through my head right now. So, clearly others have pondered the question before. I also realize I'm not 80. That I still have plenty of time to take big risks and throw caution to the wind again. But will I?

So many people never do. They live small lives working quiet jobs, living in small houses and have a few friends and. . . I can't even finish the rest. It just seems depressing.

So, the question is, then, How do you make life big? How do you make your world seem bigger than it is on a daily basis? How do you stay 15 and still own a home and not annoy the heck out of everyone? How do you keep living toward the culmination of dreams and still pay the bills?

Just some questions left over from Christmas, running through my head.