Some random thoughts

It's been awhile since I've written. I'm sure my reader (and notice I use the singular) is very disappointed. So I thought I'd compile a list of thoughts I've randomly had lately.

1. I've tried to like Lorelei Gilmore and I just can't. I started watching the Gilmore Girls somewhere mid-fourth season. Now, ABC Family plays reruns everyday and I happened to catch season one episode one during Thanksgiving Break, and have been TiVo-ing and watching ever since. I always thought maybe the reason I didn't like Lorelei was because I hadn't caught the special mom-kid bond from the beginning of the show. But now that I have, I have to say, I still don't like Lorelei. She's very self-absorbed, and I feel like we're supposed to agree with her and see the show from her perspective. But it's a perspective I don't really respect. PLUS, I've read in various places and forums that the actress who plays her is a bit of a diva and that she doesn't like Scott Patterson (Luke) and throws a tizzy everytime they have to kiss and such. Which, I must say, doesn't help me like the character any better. Just a completely useless thought, but it's one I've had recently and so there you go.

2. Veronica Mars comes back on Wednesday from its month long (it seems like it may have been longer) hiatus. I feel like a long lost friend is coming to visit. I'm excited. And that makes me sad for myself.

3. I bought a treadmill. I realize it's been awhile since I've been running, but the speed on this treadmill seems faster than the speed on treadmills of previous experiences. Is that possible? Or am I getting old and fat and now can't keep up? Probably that.

4. I really hate Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee on the Food Network. Oh, she bugs me. She's so pleased with herself. And I'm no food snob. I'm not above putting cream of mushroom soup in something. But the stuff she comes up with as time savers seem ridiculous and an insult to food and people who eat it everywhere. (For instance, using frozen chopped onions. Come on. Does it really take that long to dice an onion? Or using canned potatoes in a potato salad? Ick). Also, everything she makes is f'ntastic. That's how she says it. Between Semi-Ho Sandra and Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals, my hate of perky food people is really revving up.

5. A little praise, however, goes out to the Food Network show Iron Chef America. LOVE IT. It's hard to explain why. It's food sport. Truly. Watch and see.

6. If Angelina Jolie walked by me in real life I think I would hit her. Lest we forget, this woman carrying Brad Pitt's baby used to wear a vile of her former husband's blood around her neck and got grossly close to her brother at the Oscars a few years back. And no, Angelina, your recent campaign to become a saint will not make me forget it.

7. My soaps are all starting to bore me. This is a sad day for me. Am I growing? Becoming a better person? I doubt it. I think the plots are just all seeming stale and repetitive.

8. I love the Japenese Pan Noodles at the semi-fast food restaurant Noodles.

9. There haven't been very many good romantic comedies made recently. I love a good romantic comedy. Pretty Woman was on last night and it reminded me we don't get a lot of good "everything works out well in the end and you want it to because it warms your heart in an inexplicable way" movies anymore. Instead there are horrible things like Hostel and Saw. Or funny fart humor movies (which are also good times in their own way, but rarely romantic). I can watch Sleepless in Seattle or Notting Hill or My Best Friend's Wedding over and over again. Which, I suppose, is akin to admitting I watch soap operas. At least I'm staying true to form.

10. I have a crush on the new Bachelor. There I said it. And I swore I wouldn't get sucked in again.

11. I feel like I should say something very smart and insightful to make up for the previous 10 shallow thoughts. But, my reader knows me better than that anyway. . .

Small Christmas, big questions

Christmas makes the world seem small. And not in that, "it's a small world after all" kind of fun, dancing kids in a Disneyland ride sort of way. Just small in that, "is this really all there is?" sort of way that plagues one's middle to late 20s.

I grew up feeling like I was invincible, or at least that I was lucky. It never occured to me to think the dreams I had or things I wanted would ever not happen. That sounds bratty and self-centered, and yet, I think it was, more than anything, naive. Just pure, unbridled naivete. Is it weird that I miss that feeling?

The older I get, the smaller my world seems. Big dreams seem less accessible. Practical realities are what take up space in my head (my mortgage, the rising cost of gas, what to make for supper). I used to know for sure that I would be a published author, or would become a lawyer, or would get married and have a family, or would do something else that is completely fabulous in a completely fabulous way. Now, I don't stop to think about those things very often. I'm not conquering the world anymore.

Christmas, the going home and taking on the role of "kid" again, just highlights how different my viewpoint is these days. The traditions that were once magical, now seem forced or somehow hollow. I still appreciate them, and yet, they don't seem essential like they used to. It means coming face to face with past rivals, and old loves, and an old version of myself that makes me a bit squirmy. And not because of embarrassing hairdos or crimes of fashion committed and pasted all over my father's house. But because that version is still who I am, buried deep inside. I've just covered her up with the day to day, must keep my head above water, can't stop to think about dreams while I'm trying to leave work by 7:00 p.m., persona.

Do we have to shrink our world in order to survive? I have a bunch of cheesy "hold fast to dreams for if dreams die. . ." poetry running through my head right now. So, clearly others have pondered the question before. I also realize I'm not 80. That I still have plenty of time to take big risks and throw caution to the wind again. But will I?

So many people never do. They live small lives working quiet jobs, living in small houses and have a few friends and. . . I can't even finish the rest. It just seems depressing.

So, the question is, then, How do you make life big? How do you make your world seem bigger than it is on a daily basis? How do you stay 15 and still own a home and not annoy the heck out of everyone? How do you keep living toward the culmination of dreams and still pay the bills?

Just some questions left over from Christmas, running through my head.